a while between drinks - personal venting time

Hi all

Well, nearly 6 weeks since my last post. Haven't really felt like writing anything, here's why.

Basically, from around early December, at first without realising it, I had been thrown off centre by an abusive and aggressive looney toon in the trans community. It seems I have lots of company: there could be as many of 20 people who have been damaged by this person, one extremely damaged. It's a fcuking tragedy that with fundy religious types, lesbian separatist femmonazis and MSGs to deal with we end up being damaged by our own. - greater sense of betrayal, I guess.

Anyway, 2 days after this happened I had my phone and purse stolen out of my handbag at a cafe. Seems there's a lot of this around BTW: one of the bi-vic gang had this happen to her and my housemate her purse and keys stolen in the same week as me. Fcuking drug barons who leave people dependant and destitute on drugs, but I digress.

The looney toon spewed more vomit on me 2 days after this. Finally, I took on a job that was way more complex than it appeared. When, because the internet banking hasn't been arranged and you have to arrange cash pays in envelopes a la the 1960s to ensure people have their Xmas pays 2 working days before Xmas, it takes a lot of effort. And Xmas seemed to be more manic and feral than usual.

Anyway, I realised I was off track about a week into January and approached a couple of friends and health professionals. One of the latter was very helpful (uprooted some deep shit) and it seemed all was well, life could resume.

Unfortunately, only 3 hours later I heard about the tragic suicide of Zoe Belle, trans and generally community contributor extraordinaire. Like the rest of the trans and other communities, I was totally devastated. With the funeral happening 9 days later, it took a long time before I was able to grieve and let this go.

So basically, I didn't really get a mental and emotional holiday. Midsumma was an emotional roller coaster as so much of it was Zoe's work. But I managed to get some time out and over the weekend of Friday 8th-10th of Feb I was able to chill, especially after the fab Rock Strip on Friday 8th. Once again, THE event of Midsumma. 2 nights pretty much sold out (and not one iota of publicity on JOY (couldn't interrupt the Kylie megamixes, could we now) or in the pink press. 3 CR to the rescue - hoo-rah (alright I'm biased).

So by Sunday night I was feeling great - energetic, inner peace back, had cleared all the to-to list that had piled up over the last month. Then what?

My housemate announces she (and the pets) want to move out in 6 months with her partner. Previously, she was going to travel with the partner. Now she says "we'll get someone corporate to move in." (She co-owns where I live with a friend).

So, the one anchor I had, a stable happy home has just been cast adrift and now it's just a place to live. So my career's fucked, my finances are fucked, no relationship and wondering if there'll ever be one, the community role means little, my creativity is at an all time low and now this. Fucking fantastic.

Yes, I'm bitter, angry, afraid and disillusioned right now. I'm wondering what I'm living for with no clear goals. I'm sick of being a walking psychological experiment and not having any life.

I'm trying with every ounce of strength to affirm that life will get better. I'm using every idea I know (and learning others) to keep going and find strength and faith (in the general sense of the word, no religion crap here thanks). I'm trying to take responsibility for myself and my decisions and what I've created. I'm trying to change patterns in myself. I'm clinging to the hope that with the decks relatively clear that I'm creating the space for something amazing. That takes virtually all of my strength every day. It takes ages to start the day. I hate mornings, and the stress, tears and anger that come up when I wake up. It would be nice to leap out of bed in the morning and believe life had some purpose other than going to work as an accountant and cleaning up everyone else's crap.

Hope is all there is.